Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
