Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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