she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
