I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
