woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
