The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
