man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
