You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
