I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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