Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's rum buckets o'clock
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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