Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my shit smells like andre
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
