it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Found your dick twin last night
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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