The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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