Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
