Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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