The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
