remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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