"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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