Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
