Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
