Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
