need another drink. this is the easiest way
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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