Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
