theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
