Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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