No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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