I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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