Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
