things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
40s are totally the cure
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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