You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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