I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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