if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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