so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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