Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
