Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
