i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
