i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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