Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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