It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize