So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Are we still banned from the library?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
