her vagine was all disorganized.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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