why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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