I just threw up on my dentist
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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