I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
