I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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