The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
