she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
