The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
