I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
