K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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