after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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