This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
