I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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