shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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