im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
