We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize