So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Never joke about your clitoris.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
