Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
