well I can't set my house on fire every night
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
