I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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