I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
